Hi y’all,
It’s been one year. One year since my life changed forever. I know it sounds dramatic, but it’s true.
One year ago today, I went in for my eight week ultrasound for our second baby. I came out with a singular photo and had to tell my husband that they couldn’t find a heartbeat and our baby was measuring two weeks too small. We were devastated. We had only known we were pregnant for about three weeks at that point but we were already making plans. Discussing how great it would be for our kids to be so close in age. Betting on whether it was a boy or a girl. Resigning ourselves to the difficulties, and the joys of having two under two.
That was a defining moment in my life. It changed my perspective on being a mom, on pregnancy, on loss, and on grief.
I think in that moment, and so many days and weeks and months since I have been more actively grateful for our little Elizabeth. I can’t even imagine going through what we have gone through without having that laughing bundle of light in our lives. And I feel for those who have had that struggle.
It’s harder to see friends who are pregnant. Harder to find joy in something that you know you were supposed to be celebrating too. It makes you pray a little harder for every pregnant friend because you would never want anyone to go through what you did. I had a coworker with the same due date as our baby. She celebrated the birth of her little girl in October and I couldn’t stop thinking that maybe our littles would have had the same birthdays.
A few months after our miscarriage we attended a funeral for my uncle who passed away from cancer. That’s when it really sank in how different and lonely it is to mourn the loss of an unborn child. Of course my family, church and everyone who knew about our loss was sad with us. They were as supportive and understanding as anyone can be when they haven’t experienced what you are going through. But I watched as so many people celebrated my uncles life. They checked in on my aunt and cousins for days, weeks, months after their loss.
I understand though. When I was pregnant, I felt the impact of that little life growing inside me. My belly was already swollen. I was sick, uncomfortable, hormonal. I already loved that child despite the short amount of time I had known about their existence. No one else experienced that. No one got to meet this little miracle. No one had a chance to get attached. So no one else felt the loss the same way. And that’s what makes it so lonely. Because it’s a year later and I still think about that baby nearly every day. I wonder if it was a boy or a girl. I envision what life would be like with two little ones running around. And I still get sad, and maybe a little jealous when I hear a pregnancy announcement.
Sinsaraly, Me
